The eulogy: what it is and how to give one

Being asked to give a eulogy says a lot about what you meant to the person who has died and to their family. It can also feel like a heavy thing to take on while you are grieving, often with less than a week before the service. It may help to know that nobody in the room expects a polished performance. They want to hear about the person they have lost, from someone who knew them well.

What is a eulogy?

A eulogy is a short speech about the life of someone who has died, given at their funeral, memorial service or celebration of life. The word comes from the Greek eulogia, meaning praise or good words, and that is still the heart of it. A eulogy tells the people gathered who this person was, what they did with their life and what they meant to the people around them.

It is different from an obituary, which is written down and published in the local paper or on the funeral home's website. An obituary is mostly facts and service details. A eulogy is spoken, and it is personal. If you are writing both, our guide to writing an obituary covers that side.

A eulogy doesn't need to cover a whole life. Everyone listening knew the person in their own way and has their own memories. What they want from you is a picture of the person they will recognize.

Who gives the eulogy?

There is no fixed rule. Most often it is a close family member, such as an adult son or daughter, a husband or wife, a brother or sister, or a grandchild. A close friend can give it too, especially when the family feels too raw to speak. In some services the pastor, priest or funeral celebrant gives the main eulogy, using what the family has told them, and family members add shorter remembrances.

It's common for more than one person to speak. If you are sharing the time, agree beforehand who will cover what. One simple split is for one person to tell the story of the life, while another speaks more personally about what the person was like at home or as a friend.

Where the eulogy comes in a US service

Services in the US vary a lot by faith, family and region, so ask the funeral director or officiant where you fit. These are the most common settings.

• A funeral home service. Often held in the funeral home's chapel, sometimes right after a viewing or visitation. The eulogy usually comes after an opening, a reading or a song, and before closing words or a prayer.
• A church funeral. The eulogy often follows the scripture readings and may come before or after the pastor's message. Some churches have their own customs. Some Catholic parishes, for example, ask that words of remembrance be kept short or given at the vigil, the graveside or the reception. The priest will tell you.
• A graveside service. These are often short and outdoors, so a eulogy here is usually briefer, and you may be speaking without a microphone.
• A memorial service or celebration of life. These are held without the body present, sometimes weeks or months later, in a church, a community hall, a park or someone's backyard. They tend to be more relaxed, and there may be several speakers, photos on a screen and time for anyone to share a memory.

If you have been asked to say a few words at a less formal event, our guide to funeral speeches covers short tributes, readings and speaking at a celebration of life.

A simple structure

Most eulogies follow the same basic shape. It works because it is easy to follow for people who are upset, and you don't need to do anything clever with it.

1. Introduce yourself. Say your name and how you knew them, such as "I'm Anna, Joe's oldest granddaughter."
2. Tell the story of their life in brief. Where they grew up, their work, marriage and family, and the places they lived. A few sentences for each part is enough.
3. Say what they were like. Pick a couple of qualities and give a small, real example of each. This is the center of the eulogy.
4. Tell a story or two. Everyday moments work best, like a phone call, a road trip or the way they grilled on the Fourth of July.
5. Mention the people they loved. Family, close friends and anyone who cared for them at the end, such as hospice nurses.
6. Say goodbye. End with something short and personal, spoken to them directly if that feels right.

There is a longer walk-through with sample opening and closing lines in how to write a eulogy, and a fill-in-the-blanks version in the eulogy template. If you'd like to see finished eulogies first, read our eulogy examples.

Writing it

Before you write much, talk to the family and to the funeral director or officiant. Ask how long you have, who else is speaking and whether there is anything the family would like left out. Then gather material. Write down anything that comes to mind, in any order, and ask other people for their stories too. A text to a cousin or an old coworker often brings back something you had forgotten.

Write the way you talk. A eulogy is heard once, so short sentences and ordinary words are easier to follow than anything formal. Use real names, places and details. Saying your grandpa was generous is true, but saying he kept a bag of Tootsie Rolls in the glove box for any kid who rode with him lets people see him.

You don't have to pretend anyone was perfect. A eulogy that admits, with affection, that someone was stubborn or always late usually feels more like them. If there were hard parts of their life, you can leave them out or mention them gently, and you never need to talk about how they died.

How long should a eulogy be?

Most eulogies run between three and seven minutes. At a steady speaking pace people say about 130 words a minute, so a five-minute eulogy is roughly 650 words, or about a page and a half of typed text. If several people are speaking, or the service is at a graveside, aim for the shorter end. Always check the time you've been given, because funeral homes and churches often have another service booked straight after.

Delivering it

Read it out loud at home a few times before the day. You'll find the sentences that trip you up, and each time you read it the emotional parts get a little easier to say. Time yourself on one run-through.

Print it in a large font, around 16 to 18 point, with space between paragraphs. A full script is safer than note cards, because it is hard to remember what comes next when you are upset. Mark places to pause if that helps.

On the day, take a bottle of water and a few tissues up with you. If there is a microphone, stand close to it and speak more slowly than feels natural. If your voice goes, stop and wait until you can carry on. Nobody will mind, and nobody will think less of you.

More eulogy guides